“Stop I wanna get off! “If only time would stand still!” Cries of desperation, frustration as life seems to be spinning out of control, or one of the many plates I’ve been trying to keep in the air has fallen and crashed we me alongside!
This is the moment to realise that I need to pause and reset, not carry on regardless of the red flag being waved that things are out of control!
A great tool in coaching is the wheel of life to help understand where there is a lack of balance. As with a car whose wheels are unbalanced, we’re in for a bumpy ride til we make the necessary adjustments!
As I shade the different sections of ‘my wheel’ according to how full or empty they are and reflect where I’m at, the urgency of needing to reset is profound. As I consider my spiritual health I realise that it needs to be at the center of the wheel rather than just a section of it, as it impacts all that I am and do!
Today I find myself forced to pause and look at the imbalance of my life and seek the one who leads me besides still waters to restore my soul and grant me wisdom in making the changes in order to reset and be the joy-filled, productive, life-giving me I’m created to be! Maybe this post will prompt you to do the same!
These questions may help…….
What’s life-giving (where do I buzz?) in order to be life-giving to others?
How do I restore the imbalance in the important areas of my life? (What needs to change or even stop)!
Our life is filled with changing seasons, this world is forever fluctuating with new trends. Our God and his word is the one constant, and he invites us to pause and reset with him in order to restore balance and be realigned to what he wants to do in and through us, his beloved.
Readjust the imbalance rather than risk the wheels falling off!
Recently my four year old granddaughter whispered in my ear and it got me thinking as I leaned in closer to hear what she was saying. It caused me to think about the many whispers over the years that have stirred emotions, evoked warmth, provoked a pause to think about the trajectory I am on, even change direction.
A few months ago I read something that came to me as a whisper and permeated my thinking, my being. ……”Behold I am about to do a thing at which the two ears of everyone who hears it will tingle.” God said this as Samuel finally realised who his whispers in the night belonged to, and leaned in to hear more. Why does God often speak in whispers? We know he has a louder voice; the voice that spoke creation into being, the voice that speaks through storms and earthquakes, so why a whisper? In the same way I leaned into my Granddaughter to hear clearly, isn’t that what our Father God desires of his children….. to lean in closer, to have an intimate relationship with him, to hang onto his every word …..not just know about him, but to truly know him!
From that day on my waking prayer has become; “ Lord, I want my two ears (Note, the definite two ears, not just one!) to tingle with what you want to speak and show me. It changes the trajectory of my day! In the midst of a world which hurls so much at us, how we need to hear the clarity of those whispers, be daily renewed by the loving truth our Father longs to share with each of his children each day.
When I first started dating my husband, how I relished those whispering sweet somethings in my ear. They made me feel a princess; beautiful, loved and cherished. Today, almost 40 years on, I still relish those intimate moments, but we have to fight for it in the midst of busyness, demands on our time and so on. Isn’t it the same with God? Our relationship with him is pivotal to how we do life, our marriage, bringing up children, face challenges, deal with pain and loss. I’m learning the absolute importance of leaning in above all else and the difference it makes!
It was a whisper that led us to South Africa in 1996, pre-empted by a few whispers that said ‘no’ to other opportunities presented to us. Responding to those whispers has stretched us way beyond anything we ever imagined, the effects magnified through our children and I believe in time through their children – his promises are throughout generations, we just need to keep leaning in!
Mark Batterson says in his amazing book ‘Whisper’:
“If your life is off-key, maybe it’s because you’ve been deafened by the negative self-talk that doesn’t let God get a word in edgewise! Maybe you’ve listened to the voice of criticism so long you can’t believe anything else about yourself. Or maybe it’s the enemy’s voice of condemnation that speaks lies about who you really are. If you don’t silence those competing voices, they’ll eventually deafen you. You won’t be able to sing God’s song because you won’t be able to hear his voice.” I’ve been there often, and am so grateful for the whispers that have pulled me back!
The Bible is full of defining whispers:
For Samuel, it was the tabernacle at Shiloh
For Jacob, it was Bethel
For Gideon, it was an Oak Tree
For Elijah, it was Mount Carmel
For David, it was a cave
For me, it was my 8 year old son’s dream, followed by being directed to look at a banner, and scriptures. But it’s not just about the big moments, it’s about our daily walk, our daily leaning in to hear what our Father God wants our ears to tingle with for that day. I’m still learning, and often failing, but each time I take the time to lean in for that whisper; it changes me, changes how I walk through that day and enables me to walk victoriously no matter what!
Ecclesiastes speaks about there being a time for everything under the sun! Over recent days I’ve pondered much on how I should be journeying through the ‘everythings’ and ‘no matter whats,’ which has brought me to a place of looking at the different seasons of life we all experience at one time or another! Sometimes they creep up and take us unawares, at other times they hit like a lightning bolt!
We like to imagine that it’s possible for life to be one eternal spring or summer; warm, bright, full of fun and laughter. HOWEVER, we all have to winter at some time or another, for some it feels as though it’s winter all the time. How do we embrace our winter in a positive way, how do we press forward and not sink into darkness, numbness, coldness? We may never choose to winter, but we can choose how! If we look at nature; creature’s hibernate, trees may appear dead and lifeless, but inside and underneath there is life and preparation for spring, an opportunity to be ushered into future glories. Energies are being preserved in order to enjoy the activities spring and summer afford.
I felt like I was confronted with a not very nice self recently as I realised I had been ‘wintering’ as it were but just kept going despite feeling numb and distant. As I paused awhile and pondered this, I thought about the fact that we prepare for winter by putting on the right clothing, snuggling up by a warm fire or under blankets to keep warm and again as I pondered nature, it’s a time to slow down and rest awhile. My resources are depleted, where do I go to be renewed, strengthened, restored?
We are powerless to control the seasons that roll into our lives, but we can choose how we walk in and through them. No matter what, our Almighty, all knowing, all loving heavenly Father walks with us through the changing seasons of life and promises to meet ALL our needs! He just wants us to come and each day and receive his mercies and grace for that day, to stop a while and hear his song of delight over us that quietens and warms our numb hearts. He longs for us to come like David and pour out our hearts, alongside offering thanksgiving that he’s brought us this far and been faithful.
Today, I feel as though I am emerging from ‘wintering’ slowly but surely. I have acknowledged some of my disappointments, discouragements and fears, and allowed myself to begin feeling and reading the thermometer of emotions that help me navigate where I am and use them as stepping stones for where I need to be. They don’t control me, but they are very real. As I wait upon the Lord, pour out my heart to him and allow him to have and lead me in his ways, I know I will emerge into spring. Yesterday, I watched my tiny new born Grand daughter and two year old Grandson , both so full of life and hope, secure in the knowledge that all their needs will be met by their loving parents, and rest securely in the knowledge that my perfect heavenly father will do the same for me!
I’ve always loved escaping into an imaginary world where anything can happen, where dreams really do come true! It’s been a way of me working and processing through difficult times from young with maybe a bit of needed escapism mixed in. This is my meanderings recently in my adult imaginary world that also contains a degree of reality and truth in my thoughts and processing……….
I’m a princess (yes even at the upper end of 50!!!!) feeling despondent and frustrated at being locked up for so long, unable to escape into the freedom I love & treasure when I dress in disguise to escape the restraints of palace life to move freely amongst people from all walks of life. This worldwide pandemic has turned my life upside down and all that I hear is the clamouring voices of what plans to make, statistics of daily infections and deaths, whose health and fitness plan is the best one to follow, how to be a better at every role in life, how to stay safe etc. Much of it good to know, but how to choose which voice to listen to, what plan to follow, how to navigate this very abnormal way of life is just causing me to feel incapacitated rather than the opposite! Sometimes I find my hands flying up to my ears to try and drown out the voices, trying desperately to discern the one important voice, the one that does make a difference and bring hope!
Another day dawns with the same restrictions in place; my mind instantly thrown into a battlefield of what I choose to focus on, think about and do in this unnatural space. I make decision to take a walk up numerous flights of steps and put my head above the parapet; a place I’ve always been warned to stay away from because of risk. “Stay in the safe place, you have everything you need here with no risk or danger,” are the words I have heard countless times from as soon as I could move around. There is no immediate cause for concern from a physical enemy at this time because the world is locked out, but it feels as though the silent enemy of this pandemic is all around invading every crevice and space it can get into. The thought of being in the open air is invigorating in itself but the fear of touching something that has remnants of the virus upon it is somewhat scary and causes me momentarily to want to turn back. Do I ignore the calls to a place I am drawn to be in and settle for the safe comfort zone, or do I persevere and continue? I can already feel the air changing, my heart beating a bit faster, a sense of excitement that beckons me. I pull myself up straight and continue with my eyes fixed upon what’s ahead.
As my head pokes through onto the parapet, I instantly feel as though I can breathe more deeply. I hold my breath as the rest of me emerges to stand upon the highest place of my castle. As I exhale and gaze out in wonder, I am transfixed by the vista before me; the spaciousness, the expanse, the beauty. As I lift my gaze it is as though I am able to see and feel differently, although nothing around me has changed. I am in a different place simply from making a choice of what to focus on and where to place my feet and my gaze!
“There’s no such word as ‘can’t’ in the dictionary,” a statement often heard from my mum as I was growing up, usually in response to being asked to help out, tidy my room, or some other such task I didn’t want to do! Yes, I was the typical Mary, Mary quite contrary….anything I was asked to do I tended towards doing the opposite, a trait which still rears it’s head many years on! My husband Ray would nod his head vigorously at this statement!
This morning I watched an interview with ‘Mr Bean’ aka Rowan Atkinson and was struck by his resilience in consciously ripping off the ‘t and choosing to believe ‘I CAN!’ In spite of being told by teachers, peers and others that there was nothing distinguishing about him both in appearance and ability he chose to see the positives that he had been gifted with and went on to achieve amazing results. I guess I identified most with his struggles because of a stammer. Yet, like Moses he chose to see what was placed in his hands, fulfil his potential and be a channel for good in the lives of others.
I am fortunate to enjoy many glorious views around where we live in South Africa. When hiking, my mind is often performing somersaults around many different thoughts and images. Our life journeys are somewhat akin to climbing a mountain; at times it seems like I’m never going to make it to where I want to be, at others just stopping and drinking in the view, breathing in the fresh air, seeing where I’ve come from just gives me the a fresh burst of energy to continue. And when I arrive at the top, even if I’ve been there before; I’m left awestruck alongside an amazing sense of achievement….always well worth pushing through!
Working with children who learn differently, are differently abled and families in need of support and other interventions, my moments of greatest joy and measure of being on track is when I see their eyes light up as they move from “I can’t” to “I can!” I am so grateful to God for the tools he has placed in my hands that can play in a part in that process. No matter who we are, or what our circumstances are, we each have incredible God-given potential, uniquely & intricately woven together in the womb to grow and develop into all that we were created to be and for. Some believe that God is just a crutch for those who aren’t capable of making it on their own , but I have to say here that the greatest decision I ever made was when I decided to follow and live for him because he is the source of who I am and ever will be, he is the hope giver and sustainer of life who cuts out the ‘t from can’t, who turns what was meant for harm into good! In my darkest times I’ve learned that when I say “I can’t,” the echo that I hear back from my Creator is, “I can!” and he does!
“I can’t” may only be two little words, but when allowed to dictate what we do or do not do, can hold us back from living fulfilled lives through discovering and reaching our full potential. We are shaped by the things we are told in our formative years, our learnings, our interactions with others and situations that we find ourselves in whether positive or negative. I spent a good deal of my life staring into my rear view mirror that screamed out at me “I can’t!” rather than letting of the past and driving ahead into a future filled with “I cans!”
One day I was working with a little boy named Acha; a little boy with a huge imagination, endless supply of energy, big struggles to focus for any period of time and so I could go on. I’d arranged a few activities on a table and asked him to choose one. He took a while before he returned to me with the one he had chosen, and when I looked, he had separated the activities to two sides of the table. When I asked him why he had done that he replied that one side were the activities he felt he could do and the others were the ones he couldn’t. I asked him why he felt he couldn’t do a number of them and his reply was; “because they look like the things that everyone says I can’t do!” Over a period of weeks, we broke each activity down and he mastered them all with great excitement.
My challenge to myself each day is “am I living my day to its fullest? Am I helping each person I come into contact with by my words and actions live their day to the fullest and best?”
One of my favourite verses in the Bible and one I’ve learned to declare over each day that dawns is the following:
That’s what makes my “I can’t” become “I can!” I don’t have to strive or stress; I’m in the hands of the one who makes the impossible possible! I just need to stop staring into my rear view mirror and drive forward into all that’s before me. Hope you’ll join me!
“Sometimes I feel I want to run away”….was an infamous song in the 80’s. Recently as I was out for a jog, those words came into my mind along with the swirling whirlpool of thoughts spinning round and around about the implications and effects of Covid 19 upon this world and everybody I know. As I ran, I was reminded of a scene from the movie Forrest Gump where, as a young boy some bullies pick on him intending to do him harm. He begins to run, encouraged by his young friend and as he does so the callipers fall from his legs and he runs like the wind…the miracle his momma told him happens every day did ! It didn’t mean he wouldn’t still face life challenges and difficulties, but it did encourage him to move forward and keep going!
“What would be my miracle today; the ray of sunshine breaking through that would cause me to move forward rather than be bogged down, as well as enable me to be an encouragement in the life of my family and others around me?” This was the question cutting through my swirling mind, and one I felt compelled to pause for and sit on a sand dune overlooking the small beach we are privileged to have at the end of our road.
As the ebb and the flow of waves brought the soothing calm that in itself is always a wonderful mystery to me, I pondered this question. As I did so, I was reminded of many Psalms where David pours out his heart; his discouragement, anguish and confusion to God amid reminding himself of who God is, of his incomparable greatness, power and strength alongside tender love and compassion for all that he has made which includes me! As I gazed out across the vast ocean to the back drop of mountains these words darted across my mind; “EVEN IF”……..the mountains fall into the depths of the sea my amazing, miracle working, God is with me!
“God is the place I run to, he is my safe place and strengthens me, always with me and ready to help with whatever I am facing. Even if earthquakes come and the mountains fall into the sea, I have no need to be afraid. In the city of God where I will reside with him one day there is an everflowing river that brings a constant source of joy. It will never crumble or be destroyed because God himself protects it, and resides in the midst of it. Even if the nations are in chaos and their man made structures crumbling, the Lord of all the heavenly hosts is with us keeping us safe. Open your eyes to what he has done and is doing, there is nothing or no where his arm doesn’t reach. Take time to be still ,consider him and his ways. Honour him who is always with us, forever our safe place.”(My paraphrase of Psalm 46)
There is much happening all around that deeply saddens me. As we are involved feeding many families through our relief programme, grieve those we have lost to the silent enemy of Covid 19, see the crumbling of world systems and economy, the effects and undercurrents of major inequalities and injustices, the many differing voices and opinions around the world, I am reminded of an elderly man who upon encountering in Uganda some years back indelibly ingrained himself on my mind and heart. He had lost his entire family to civil war, been severely maimed through trying to protect those he had loved, yet he radiated joy, peace and love in a measure that found me wanting and desiring to have whatever he had!
As he shared with me horrific stories of love and pain it seemed that every weather beaten line on his face had a story to tell , but it was his ending words that took my breath away……..“When I lost everything, I felt my world had come to an end; what was the point of living? A still small voice within me answered “because I still have work for you to do on earth before you join the others you loved so well with me in eternity and receive your crown!” His eyes twinkled like a million stars as he added; “ for each one I help, I see him placing another jewel in my crown and hear his voice say “ well done good and faithful servant.” Here was a man who had learned to change his “If only” things were different I would… to “Even if” my world falls apart around me “I will”…. Circumstances may not change but where we place ourselves in the midst of those circumstances changes us and those we encounter irrevocably, I certainly was that day in Uganda!
One of my great loves and ways to unwind it to ‘lose myself’ in a good book, imagining myself as an integral part of the story, being present in every moment, the cogs of my imagination being able to run away with themselves creating wonderful imagery and thoughts provoked by the clever use of language and the story that weaves it’s way through the pages.
Arriving at the end of a book I have relished, is akin to finishing a race for me. The discovery of a plot, fresh learning, poignant lessons learned, real life stories, historic background, etc. take me to ‘the End’ with a sense of purpose and achievement. And yet, what unravels for me between the pages may be very different for another reader, as we each interpret things through our own perspectives, life experiences, emotions, language, culture and the many assortment of things that makes us the unique individuals our Creator wove us together to be!
One thing that never ceases to amaze me is how God doesn’t only work through those who seem to have it all together, who are eloquent of speech, dynamic in character etc. I certainly would have thrown in the towel long ago if that were so! The Bible is full of God’s power being released and shown through those who felt ‘not good enough,’ ’inadequate,’ etc. Those feelings for me have been and are very real in my life journey, yet as I have placed what I have so often seen as the tangled web of the mess I’ve made into the hands of a loving Father he has turned it around for good and left me amazed time and time again!
In the same way as delving into a book can reveal much that the cover only gives maybe a glimpse of, so I realise time and again that I need to do that with those I come into contact with; a lesson poignantly learned through a young boy with physical, cognitive and emotional challenges from birth…….
Our journeys had taken us from the U.K > South Africa > Zimbabwe > Northern Mozambique, each with their own share of learnings and unprecedented character building for us. In each place we went to serve and to give, but time and again, what we received from those we engaged with far outweighed anything we ‘gave!’ Zacc was a young boy whose parents we lived and worked with, a walking miracle after his parents were informed of the many ‘normal’ life milestones he would never reach. Their personal story warrants a book in itself of their walk with God through the hills and the valleys, a testimony to God’s faithfulness and grace as they have trusted in him.
Zacc didn’t judge anyone by their cover, he seemed to have an innate ability to see beyond to the person’s heart. He took someone at their word, never doubting they would follow through; he displayed the childlike faith Jesus spoke about when he admonished the disciples for jostling to be the greatest. This blonde haired, exuberant young man inspired me in praise and worship; always the first to abandon himself as the first notes of a praise song was played. He may not have known all the words or been able to speak the meaning, but his face glowed like a star lit galaxy.
He may not have been very coherent in speech, but he found ways to make himself understood, and sought to understand others. He loved being part of a team, maybe seeming to run his own race in his way, but deep down, loving being part of something greater than himself, of being included.
To be told that your child is not going to be able to develop ‘normally,’ is one of the hardest things to hear and to navigate. Yet, as I have both worked alongside such children and parented children with learning difficulties & struggles, I find there are things ‘beneath the cover,’ that both challenge and inspire me in my own life journey.
As I interacted with Zacc and his parents, the relationship between them was one of the closest things to seeing the Father heart of God I have ever seen… constantly cheering him on, accepting him totally for who he is, encouraging him to take steps forward into the more, his safe place, and so the list goes on. Their complete trust in Zacc’s and their creator to partner with them in nurturing and developing the precious gift they have been given into all that he was created to be both inspired and challenged me, to see them in the midst of discouragements and setbacks, never to lose hope!
May I learn more and more to listen and attend with the ear of my heart, to look ‘beneath the cover’ to the so much more than I ever saw before!
“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory.” (Dr Seuss)
Rather groggily and attempting to muster up some degree of enthusiasm to start another day, I forced my eyes open and reached over to quell the annoying hum. A new day! Hopefully not a day like yesterday I hastily thought, alongside a memo to self to at least begin the day by being thankful. As quickly as I thought about the many things I was thankful for; remnants of yesterdays failings and discouragements seemed to wrap themselves around the recesses of my mind, shutting out any attempt to at least begin well!………..Angry words spoken in the moment, discouragements that threatened my attempts to find the positives in being confined for yet another week to home, overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and I could go on. Glimpsing some of the amazingness of how everybody else seemed to be coping and amazing things they were doing in this time of lockdown just made the huge cloud I was feeling under even denser.
A memory flashed across the recesses of my mind, invading the now tangled web of thoughts, feelings and questions; a memory of three little sisters dressed in homemade orange dresses, edged with white daisies singing at a harvest festival half a century ago. The one on the right was a little girl who struggled (and still does) with a stutter, dreaded being in front of an audience and opening her mouth and today is writing this. The other two are her very eloquent, gifted sisters. In later blogs I will share about some of the stepping stones that have crisscrossed around the world to where I am today and only possible because of the truth in this little song they sang:
“God sees the little sparrow fall, it meets his tender view; if God so loves the little birds, I know he loves me too. He loves me too, he loves me too, IKNOW HE LOVES ME TOO!”
In that moment, the closest I can come to describing what transpired as I replayed the memory and felt the impact of “I KNOW HE LOVES ME TOO” is when dense fog lifts and the sun shines through! I am now ready to begin the day!
